Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
