peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
