I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
