Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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