Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
