I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We got so high we made milksteak
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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