I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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