i already hear my dad disowning me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize