She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
