You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He has the fingertips of a God
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