A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
