It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
