I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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