So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
