So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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