I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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