1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
