We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
