nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
