I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
