dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize