I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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