Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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