And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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