I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
