Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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