I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
