I cut my penus on the lid.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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