i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I want her autograph on my taint
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
