So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
