Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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