She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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