You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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