Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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