Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
They took my balls.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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