Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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