It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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