So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
