I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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