Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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