i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
