just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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