the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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