tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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