I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
