some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
