i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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