I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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