she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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