margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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