I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
