well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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