i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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