The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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