My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
