Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Randomize