After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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