you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
