just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
