she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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