Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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