When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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